Kodomo no Gundam!
by JupiStrahan
Summary: (1+2) Duo Maxwell is a *male* actress. Although being a child star, (s)he attends a typical school. Heero Yuy is his (her) nemesis, though that changes as time passes.
1. A - I'm a Junior High School Student wit...

Title: Kodomo no Gundam  
  
Author: Jupiter Strahan  
  
Pairings: eventual 1+2  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Warnings: fluff, humor, silliness, shonen ai.  
  
Archived at:  
  
http://www.wuffie.net  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Note: No, this isn't REALLY a gender-switching fic. You'll just have to get through a little bit before I begin to refer to Duo in the masculine tense. There's a reason for it, I swear!  
  
Note: Nataku will be popping up out of nowhere to give a commentary throughout this fic, get used to it.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
'blah' = character's (usually Duo's) thoughts.  
  
  
  
Kodomo no Gundam:  
  
Part 1A: I'm a Junior High School Student with a pimp!  
  
  
  
The sun shone brightly down upon Tokyo, the birds chirping happily as the morning sun rose steadily into the sky.  
  
Somewhere in the city, an alarm clock went off. It wasn't the annoying kind of clock that goes "beep, beep, beep," when the designated time arrives; no, this one was a very special clock. It plays a lovely little mambo tune that makes you want to jiggle your boo-tay. Oh yeah, shake it!  
  
Now, this alarm clock with the lovely mambo wasn't just anywhere in the city, it was in a mansion. and not just any mansion. It was the home of a a famous writer and a young girl. This alarm just happened to be going off at the bedside of said girl. And said girl was sleeping right through it.  
  
Atop the clock, which read 8:30, was a pig. Not just any pig, mind you, but a dancing pig. A dancing pig in a purple bikini top and a string skirt. Needless to say, it was plastic. And it was dancing.  
  
Ever so slowly, the young girl opened her eyes, and looked at the alarm. 'Eight...Thir...ty. Huh.' The eyes closed once again, and drifted back to a state of dreaming. The dancing pig on the clock noticed this, of course, and began to dance harder, the little purple bells of it's skirt shaking wildly. Its job was to wake the girl every morning, if he failed... well, Piggie didn't want to think about that. It couldn't think anyway. It was plastic.  
  
Did the young girl awaken? Don't be silly. Why wake up when having such a nice dream? In fact, right now in the dream there's this big red flag waving.... and it says "8:30" on it in big, white print. Who was carrying the flag, anyway? Hmm... it seemed to be the girl! and she was running with the flag! Wait, no... she's not running anymore... she's standing on a big, green mountain, holding the flag! "Yahoooooi!" She says! And she listens for the echo... here it comes... "Schooool!"  
  
The girl practically flew out of bed and stared at the clock. The plastic piggy was very happy to see this, and quit dancing, instead attemping to catch its breath. Well, sort of. Inanimate objects don't breathe.  
  
She grabbed the clock, and cried "Augh! NO! It's 8:30!"  
  
Name: Duo Maxwell. Age: 14 years old.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Mama! Why didn't you wake me up earlier!?" Duo cried to the squirrel, which sat happily in the cherry tree cracking open a walnut.... on Mama's head. "Five minutes, even! You could have at least done that!"  
  
Ignoring Duo's outburst, and continuing to browse through the morning news, Mama merely answered, "If you sleep well, you grow well. If you oversleep, you'll grow more."  
  
"--Now I'm late for school and everything!" Duo kept talking, as though Mama hadn't responded at all.  
  
Whe Duo finally quit shouting, Mama lowered the newspaper the reveal long platinum blonde hair, and sharp blue eyes. "Good morning, Duo--" She looked around. Duo was nowhere in sight. "...You're gone."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Duo rushed through brushing and braiding her hair, and hastily threw on a blue sweater and skirt before dashing out of the bathroom and down the hall, passing the maid, J. " 'Morning Shimura-san!" (I bet you didn't know J's first name was Shimura! Well, maybe it's not, but you'll just have to deal with it!)  
  
Duo thought aloud as her ran down the hallway, with Mama passing her in a little red car. along the way. "I wonder why I oversleep evey morning?" She was so absorbed in her thoughts that he didn't notice Mama had stopped in front of her, nor the large red mallet that Mama held. However, she did notice when said mallet mad contact with her forehead.  
  
Mama dragged ---or rather drove--- Sana back the way she'd come, and into the kitchen.  
  
"Mama, I'm already late, even if I leave now I'll be marked tardy so PLEASE let me leave NOW!"  
  
"I don't care whether you're tardy or not, but I'm not nice enough to let you go without eating your breakfast."  
  
Duo sat dejectedly in her chair, gazing at the table and at the food it held. She ground out, "I-ta-da-ki-ma-su." before attacking the spread before her with a ferocity that even a half-starved wolf would admire.  
  
"You don't have to hurry," Mama said, brushing a speck of dust off her pink and yellow kimono. "School isn't going anywhere."  
  
Duo held up his now cleaned plate, cheeks bulging from food she hadn't had time to swallow.  
  
"You may go."  
  
Duo went.  
  
Halfway down the hall, she nearly ran into Trowa, looking meticulously professional in a gray suit and sunglasses. "Good morning, Duo- chan. Nice weather, huh?"  
  
Duo swallowed enough food to speak without spewing food everywhere, though her cheeks still bulged. "Good morning, Trowa-kun." She stopped and swallowed the rest before shouting "I'm in really deep trouble because I woke up and looked at teh clock and it was already 8:30 so I got up and got dressed and did my hair and brushed my teeth and I was all ready to go and then Mama stopped me and made me eat my breakfast and now I'm even later!" in one breath.  
  
Don't bother trying to figure out how she did that in one breath. Strong lungs, maybe?  
  
"I'll drive you to school." Trowa said, totally unphased.  
  
Duo looked up at him for a second before jumping up to deliver a patented Duo Glomp. Well, it's not exactly patented yet, we're still going through the paper work. Anyway....  
  
"Trowa-kun! You're the nicest guy in the world! Love ya, Love ya, Love ya, Love ya!"  
  
'This handsome young man is my boyfriend and my pimp!'  
  
  
  
"Let's go, Trowa-kun! Mama, I'm going to school now!"  
  
Mama drove past in her little red car once again. "Drive safely but recklessly!" Mama called after them as they headed out the door.  
  
'That's my Mama, Zechs Merquise. He's a famous writer and Aoki award winner!'  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
They pulled out of the garage very slowly. Then they very slowly pulled onto the street. Once on the street, they drove very slowly.  
  
"Trowa-kun! You're going so slow! You're going *really* slow! I could WALK faster than this!" Duo cried as people passed them on the sidewalk.  
  
Nataku: *sitting on passing man's shoulder* You're going to be late...  
  
"Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up--"  
  
"It's my duty to get you safely to school." Rei, still unphased by the spastic Duo riding shotgun, replied.  
  
Duo immediately calmed, and looked at Trowa with awe. "Oh, Trowa- kun!"  
  
Nataku: *sitting on a passing child's shoulder* Hey, kindergarteners are passing you...  
  
As quickly as the calm came, it went, right out the car window. Duo tackled Trowa, and the car went wild, bouncing and spinning over old ladies with canes and around small children who didn't have the common sense to get out of the way.  
  
Upon arriving at the school, Duo stepped out of the car, giving her thanks to Trowa for the ride.  
  
Trowa, breathless and relieved that they had survived the trip there, panted, "No problem... just doing my job."  
  
Just before Duo stepped on to school grounds, Trowa stopped her. "Oh, Duo-chan, about today, I'm sure you remember this but there's a live broadcast of Kodomo no Omocha today after school, so I'll pick you up then."  
  
"Okay!" Duo leaned in the car window to plant a kiss on Trowa's cheek.  
  
Nataku: *blows a whistle and freezes the scene* Right, Right, now let me explain something to you. Back when Duo was little, Zechs-- er, I mean, Mama, made Duo join a theatrical company called "Komawari." Things progressed and now she is a very popular young actress, starring in a hit TV show called "Kodomo no Omocha," aka "Kodocha,"or "Child's Toy." You see, Duo is actually a boy, but due to unexplainable reasons, he can't let the public know his true gender or he'll be ruined. In order to keep this secret, he dresses rather femininely. Luckily, because he's been doing it all his life, Duo has no problem keeping everything quiet - his smiling, cheerful personality keeps people from even thinking otherwise. *turns and notices Duo still kissing Trowa* Hey! You two cut it out! Quit that!!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Duo reached class 8:3 in record time. 'It was all fine until now...' He reached for the door hesitantly, 'but a few weeks ago we changed classes. Now this class *really* has some problems.'  
  
Opening the door revealed a swarm of laughing, running boys, broomsticks, and soccer balls, not to mention desks and chairs flying about the room. 'See what I mean?'  
  
"Please stop! Stop it everyone!" begged the teacher, Noin. "Put those desk back into their rows! Class is supposed to have started already!"  
  
Duo made his way into the room, careful of flying furnature. 'The boys started teasing the teacher, and they're getting worse and worse every day.'  
  
Noin burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. A few of the girls gathered around her, trying to comfort her.  
  
'Geez, she's crying again. How can such a crybaby expect to be a teacher?'  
  
Soon one of the girls noticed him. "Duo-chan! It's happening again and it's getting worse! Have you seen how far behind we are in the lessons?"  
  
Duo turned to glare at one of the boys. This one, rather than run around and wreak havoc on the class, instead sat in the windowsill with his feet on one of the desks, listening to a set of earphones. 'Heero Yuy. This is the guy who started it all and is controlling all these thugs. He's a demon... a *devil*.'  
  
"Okay, where's my desk." He started making his way through the mess of books and chairs, finally identifying his own, which had "Duo" scratched into the side, along with a doodle of Nataku. As luck would have it, it wasn't one of the desked pushed up against the wall or overturned on the floor. No, of all the desks in the room, Duo's happened to be the one that Heero Yuy's feet were upon. Oh, fate was simply cruel.  
  
Duo sneered at him. "Oh, Good morning, Heero. Boy, you look like you ate some rotten fruit, but that seems to be normal for you. You might as well be wearing one of those "barf-face" masks. How are you today? CRAPPY?"  
  
Heero glanced at him, then looked away and closed his eyes.  
  
"Why you...!" Duo snapped, pounding the desk with his fist to emphasize the point. "This is my desk! Get your damned stinky feet off it! And make your little hired thugs cut it out!"  
  
Heero ignored him.  
  
Duo grabbed the desk, trying to pull it out from under Heero's feet, but it wouldn't budge. "Come on! Move it, move it! This is all your fault an--" Heero lifted his foot, and Duo flew back, desk and all, yet somehow both landed safely (and in the same position, no less) halfway across the room.  
  
Needless to say, Duo was more than a little unhappy. However, instead of getting in Heero's face, like he very much wanted to do, he turned his desk to face the chalkboard, and sat down at it, with all the otehr students watching in surprise.  
  
"Noin-sensei! I have a question about last night's homework." He said loudly, raising an arm into the air as though waiting to be called upon. "I couldn't understand part of it because I had to leave early for work."  
  
Noin wiped her nose with a tissue and tried to regain a vestige of her composure. "Um, w-what part, Duo-chan?"  
  
Duo pulled out his textbook and a few sheets of paper, pointing to various parts as he spoke. "Right here, three times two over X equals...  
  
Now Heero, watching this from his perch, simply wouldn't allow this sort of thing to go on. He glanced to the boy at his side, who acknowledged the signal by wrapping his arms around his stomach and yelling, "Ow! Sensei, Sensei! My stomach hurts!"  
  
A few of the other boys quickly joined in, holding their stomachs and shouting. Noin looked up to see what was wrong with them (bless her soul, she's *so* gullible), much to Duo's dismay.  
  
"Hey! Hey! I need help with this one, too!" Duo stood up and held the book in front of Noin's face, trying to get her attention back." Noin looked at the boys again, who were still groaning and acting sick. "What are you looking at!? Here, Noin-sensei! Come on, help me with these stupid things! It's obvious that they're all faking it!"  
  
"Oh, sorry." Noin looked apoligetic, and tried to ignore the noise around her enough to help Duo.  
  
"Come on, pay attention to this! Now, this one right here..."  
  
"What you might want to do is..." Noin too the book and walked up to the chalkboard, and began to write a few numbers.  
  
Once again, the boys decided this simply could not be allowed. They each picked up a water balloon from their backpacks, and chucked them at poor, abused Noin. For the most part, they didn't hit Noin, but when the balloons popped, the front half of the room filled with clouds of dust. Duo and the girls up front choked. A lot. It would have been funny, had it not been them. However, because it *was* them, they were quite unhappy. As the dust began to settle, a sniffling whine could be heard.  
  
"Oh no, she's gonna cry again...' Duo rolled his eyes.  
  
One of the girls, Meiran, tried to comfort her before it was too late. She failed, of course.  
  
In the half of the room which wasn't coated in three inches of dust, the boys laughed. And laughed, and when one stopped laughing so he could breathe, another would laugh to take his place, and so on and so forth. Muller stopped laughing (even though another boy filled in for him) long enough to taunt her. "Sensei, we're all fine now!"  
  
The door to the classroom flew open, revealing Milliardo, who was furious. "HEY, shut up! I can hear you kids down the hall!"  
  
The boys were unimpressed. "Here comes Noin-sensei's boyfriend," laughed Muller, "They're been going steady for a *long* time!"  
  
Milliardo tried his hand at comforting the sobbing Noin. "You've got to pull yourself together."  
  
"But, they... they..." Noin sniffled.  
  
Milliardo had had enough. " Do you little monsters think you can get away with this?!"  
  
"Yeah! Let 'em have it, Milliardo-sensei!" Duo cheered.  
  
"This is a classroom, not a party! You.... should..." he trailed off, his eye trained on Heero, who was looking back at him, pulling something from his jacket. Milliardo got quiet, as did the rest of the room. He looked at Noin. Look looked at him. They both looked at the floor.  
  
"Hey, what's wrong? What's going on?" Duo looked from the teachers to Heero and the other boys. "What is it? Why are you grinning?! Come on, tell us!"  
  
Heero, who wasn't really grinning (he was just as expressionless as he'd been the whole time), slid something white back into his jacket.  
  
'What was that? Did he find their weak point?' No sooner had Duo finished the thought had the class falled back into the same chaos it had been when he walked in.  
  
"I can't take this anymore!" Noin ran from the room in tears, Milliardo chasing after her.  
  
Duo panicked "Hey! Where are you going!?" He and the other students were alone. 'What in the world was that...?'  
  
The boys destroyed the room. The girls stood in a corner, terrified of what the boys might do to them if they protested. Duo looked at Heero. Heero ate some bread.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
That afternoon at the TV station, Duo's mood was no better. "Dude! This really *really* pisses me off! I can't stand this! Why me!? Why me!?!" The chair swung wildly, with the hairdresser trying his best to do his job, even with a spastic Duo as his charge. "Ever since eighth grade started, life there has been HELL!! I CAN'T STAND IT! OH MY GOD, it just SUCKS! LIFE sucks! My whole life sucks! Why can't it be more like those nice shoujo manga?! But NOOO! I have to have SATAN for a classmate!" The swinging of the chair became even more erratic. "I can't stand it I can't stand it I can't stand it!"  
  
Nataku: This is the dressing room for the kids staring in the hit TV show "Child's Toy." Everyone is extremely nervous... *notices a kid sleeping with the script covering his face* Or not...  
  
Meanwhile, Duo was still having a coronary. "It's that devil Heero Yuy! He's responsible for this whole thing!" he stopped for a moment and looked at himself in the mirror. "Uh, Kathrine-san, is this how I'm supposed to look today on the show?" His braid stuck straight into the air, then made a loop at the end.  
  
Kathrine sighed. "Sorry, Duo-chan, but you move around too much."  
  
They were interupted by a flash of light, and the sound of a photo being taken. "Trowa-kun! What are you doing!?"  
  
Trowa, still looking perfect in a suit and shades, pulled a photo out of the polaroid and held it up. "Duo-chan: this week."  
  
Katherine tried to fix the mess on Duo's head, sneaking a glance at Trowa. "Duo-chan, your manager sure is cute. Boy, is he good looking! And probably pretty popular, too."  
  
Duo smirked. "Oh, do you like him?"  
  
Katherine almost blushed, but with the magic of ultra-super-Circus- girl make up, you couldn't tell. "O-Of course I do, I really like him!"  
  
Duo watched Katherine in the mirror. "Don't you dare touch him. He's my boyfriend and my pimp."  
  
Katherine blanched. " 'PIMP?' Duo-chan, do you know what 'pimp' means?!"  
  
"Of course I do! I give him my allowance every month!"  
  
Katherine looked at Trowa, shocked. "Really?"  
  
Trowa said nothing.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The famous TV actress Duo stormed through the hallway toward the set of "Child's Toy," fuming, "Well, someone's got to teach that idiot a lesson. A good lesson is just what he needs."  
  
"You mean that mischievious boy in your class? Yuy?" Trowa asked as he trailed along behind her.  
  
" 'Mischievious boy' is too cute-sounding. He's a devil!"  
  
"Well, don't do anything dangerous, after all, you *are* a girl." He said pointedly.  
  
"Don't worry! My special techniques from Komawari should put that jerk in his place!" He danced around, waving his script menacingly. "I'll break his leg! I'll cut him up like a hot dog! I'm gonna beat him like a--" He blindly stabbed a passing woman in the stomach with her script. Then he stopped and stared at the woman he'd stabbed. Then he stared a moment more. And the script remained lodged in her stomach.  
  
Suddenly, Duo smiled. "Hey, you're Minami Takayama from Two-Mix!"  
  
looked down at Duo. "Oh, Duo-chan, I haven't seen you in a while."  
  
"Thanks for doing 'Just Communication' and 'Rhythm Emotion.' They're really great."  
  
"I'm glad you liked it. By the way, are you going to be on Child's Toy today?"  
  
Duo nodded.  
  
"That's great! I never miss it. Good luck."  
  
"Thanks!"  
  
Duo jerked the script away, and Minami fell on her face. Once on her feet, (still looking perfect, of course. Falling on your face has no effect on you if you're famous!) she turned to Duo again. "See you later, Duo- chan. Bye." and she continued on her way.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
On the set, Professor G stood in the front of a 'classroom'. Now, because GW was such a strange anime, they never told you what G's first name was. Well, I'm telling you right now, that it was "Zenjirou." And not only that, but he's got buck teeth, too. And he's pretty hentai. Not a lot, but enough. For some reason, a lot of people think he's attractive.  
  
Anyway, the camera's are rolling, and G starts talking to the class, aka the cast of Child's Toy. "It's the beginning of the year, the cherry blossoms are in bloom. Good! So, are you all having a happy semester?"  
  
Duo was once again thinking about what a horrible day he'd had at school. He muttered, "Yeah, right."  
  
"Have you made any 'real good friends' yet?"  
  
"I don't have time for that."  
  
"How's your new teacher? Is she really beautiful?"  
  
Duo groaned. "No."  
  
G tried to get the topic off of school, but because he's a terrible conversationalist, he said, "Being a kid must be a lot of fun!"  
  
"It sucks."  
  
"I'd love to be a kid again!"  
  
"God, You're such an idiot."  
  
G looked hurt. "What's wrong, Duo-chan? You look like something's bothering you."  
  
"You got it."  
  
"But it's SPRING!"  
  
Duo rolled his eyes. "No kidding."  
  
"Aren't you enjoying school at all?"  
  
" NO. It's Hell on Earth."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Zenjirou-sensei, a kid's world isn't nearly as simple as you think."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Duo stood up and raised the volume a few decibles. "It's survival of the fittest! A world where the only law is the law of the jungle! Face it, Zenjirou-sensei, a weakling like you would be killed and eaten after a few minutes."  
  
"Killed?" G glanced at the camera from the corner of his eye.  
  
"Yeah! Our classroom is flooded with the tears of teachers! Soccer balls, spit balls, and students fly around like swarming maggots! Are you listening, Zenjirou-sensei!?"  
  
The director, cameramen, and Trowa sighed. She just *had* to have her outburst during a live production.  
  
"Are you listening, everyone!?! It's not a school, it's a ZOO!" Duo turned around and pointed to the boy sitting behind her. "They're not boys, they're monkeys! BABOONS! Dirty, smelly, stinky, butt-sniffing baboons!" She spun around to face G again. "They're making a huge mess and it's all HIS fault!"  
  
G backed up a few paces. "Uh, Who's fault, Duo-chan?"  
  
"HIS FAULT!"  
  
"Who's 'him'?"  
  
Duo turned to the camera and stalked toward it. "Hey, Yuy! Yeah, I'm talking to you, astro-turf for brains! Are you listening to me?! Eighth grade student, number 01, Heero Yuy! It's ALL YOUR FAULT!"  
  
  
  
At this very moment, at the Yuy household, the television was on. And Heero just happened to be in a nearby room. Through the tv, Duo continued reaming him, long-distance. "I come to school every day and all I get it crap thrown at me by your little monkeys! What the hell is wrong with you!?"  
  
"LET ME GO, LET ME GO!" Heero glared at the television as a few members of the cast pulled Duo offscreen. "HEERO!"  
  
~~TBC~~  
  
  
  
Jupiter Strahan  
  
"Feed me!" 


	2. B - I'm a Junior High School Student wit...

Part 1B: I'm a Junior High School Student with a pimp!  
  
That evening at the house (mansion) of the Maxwells, Duo was in a far better mood. He struck a Peter Pan-esque pose on the sofa and laughed, "I feel so good now that I've released all that built-up anger!"  
  
Zechs sat beside him, sipping tea. "You did very well on today's show, but your choice of clothes was a little sober." This coming from a man who dresses in pink and yellow women's kimono, is wearing a model of New York at night in his hair, has a squirrel living on his head, and has his cross-dressing son address him as "Mama."  
  
Trowa, sitting across from them, was less relaxed about the events broadcast on Child's Toy. "I hope that Yuy-the-Devil isn't thinking about revenge..."  
  
Duo quickly attempted to reassure him. "Not to worry! That blowhard is so chicken that he couldn't pick his nose without help!"  
  
"Couldn't he get all his lackeys to help?" Zechs replied impassively.  
  
"Mama..." Duo felt the color drain out if his face.  
  
"I'm only talking about a possibility, here. Because of you, Heero Yuy's crimes are known all over the country, via your TV appearance. If it's really as bad as you say it is, you'll have to expect some repercussions."  
  
Duo remained silent, examining this possibility in his mind. He was still standing on the sofa.  
  
"Don't worry, Duo-chan, I'm on your side." Trowa added. He looked confident, even though you couldn't see his eyes. They were still hidden behind dark sunglasses.  
  
Duo, of course, was ecstatic. "Oh, Trowa-kun! I love ya so much!" He glomped the man. "We can take his revenge and stamp 'return to sender,' right? Trowa-kun! Trowa-kun!" Trowa's head was jerked around in a violent fashion from Duo's love-tackle.  
  
Zechs stood, and walked out of the room. "Twelve more hours to deadline. Time for bed."  
  
"Yes, Mama!" Duo leapt off of poor, throttled Trowa and ran for his room. "Trowa-kun, let's sleep together!"  
  
Trowa stood, and began to follow Duo out, only to be stopped by a very intimidating-looking Zechs. "Hey. Remember. Until he graduates, don't teach him more than a kiss on the cheek."  
  
Trowa tried his best not to look scared. "Yes, Ma'am."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Duo-chan's in the house!" Duo sang happily into a little pink device (which was decorated with the sillhouette of Nataku). He held it out as it repeated, "Duo-chan's in the house! Duo-chan's in the house!" As he sang, he played a funky little keyboard that was strapped over his shoulder (which was shaped like Nataku's head) for musical accompaniment.  
  
It didn't ever occur to him that it was strange to be singing and dancing and playing music on top of your bed whilst in your pajamas, with a guy that was several years older than him in said bed, still wearing his sunglasses.  
  
"Sweet little Duo-chan was sleeping like a sawing log,  
  
She slept through her alarm and was late.  
  
Devil Heero, he'd already trashed the class,  
  
He's a little fart and he makes me want to kick his ass!"  
  
Trowa snapped his fingers to the music. And watched Duo rock out to the song (if you could call it that. It was more of a rap, really.)  
  
"Teacher is crying 'cause her monkey-boys cause trouble,  
  
Because of Heero Yuy the classroom is all rubble.  
  
Oh, yeah!"  
  
He played with his funky pink device again (which from now on will be called the Nori Nori machine, because writing 'funky pink device' every time gets a tad annoying). "Break it down, Duo-chan!"  
  
The Nori Nori machine repeated. "Break it down, Duo-chan! Break it down, Duo-chan!"  
  
"Work it out, Duo-chan!"  
  
"Work it out, Duo-chan! Work it out, Duo-chan!"  
  
"I'm venting it all with this little love song!"  
  
Trowa stopped. "You mean that was a love song?"  
  
Duo flopped down onto the bed, resting his head in Trowa's lap. "Yup. Good night." Within seconds, Duo was out like a light. Trowa pulled the covers up around him and watched him sleep for a few minutes, before carefully extracting himself from the bed, and leaving the room.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The next morning at 8:30, Duo slept. Indeed, he was sleeping quite soundly, except that he was having this dream.... there's this big red flag waving.... and it says "8:30" on it in big, white print. Who was carrying the flag, anyway? Hmm... it seemed to be Duo! And he was running with the flag! Wait, no...  
  
he's not running anymore... he's standing on a big, green mountain, holding the flag! "Yahoooooi!" Duo says! And he listens for the echo... here it comes... "Schooool!"  
  
Duo grabbed the clock, and cried "Augh! NO! I'm late again!!!"  
  
He rushed through washing his face, brushing and braiding his hair, and throwing on some clothes, before making his way to the kitchen for breakfast.  
  
"Good morning, Duo. You're two minutes earlier than yesterday. Very good!" Zechs (whose hat was a model of New York in the morning) said, watching Duo shovel down his breakfast.  
  
J appeared in the doorway. "Sensei, the editor is here."  
  
"Thank you, Shimura." J left, and Duo held up his empty plate for inspection. "Mmm. Well done, Duo."  
  
The editor, Treize, appeared in the doorway. "Good morning, Sensei. I came for the script." Zechs and Duo shared a conspiratorial grin before they dashed out of the room and away from Treize. "Hey! Wait! Sensei!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Trowa and Duo pulled out of the garage very slowly. Then they very slowly pulled onto the street. Once on the street, they drove very slowly. "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up...!"  
  
Nataku: *sitting on passing man's shoulder* Good morning!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Thanks, Trowa-kun, we actually made it on time today!" Duo said as they pulled up at the school.  
  
Trowa stepped out of the car as Duo began to head into the school. "Duo-chan?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Are you sure you'll be alright by yourself? Do you want me to escort you to the classroom?"  
  
Duo grinned. "Aw, Trowa-kun, are you worried about me?"  
  
"Well, yeah--"  
  
"Don't worry!" Duo cut in, "In case of an emergency, I'll use my Cossack Kan-fu technique I learned at Komawari!" He demonstrated his 'technique' by jumping around wildly, kicking his foot up into the air.  
  
Trowa, apparently used to Duo's spastic behavior, took no notice, instead digging around in his suit jacket for something. "Well, let me give you this, just in case." He pulled out two blue cartridges, each decorated with Nataku's head, a couple buttons, and a black cord (which, at the end, was decorated with Nataku's head). He handed one to Duo.  
  
"Huh? What's this?"  
  
"It's a vibrating communication device called 'Buruccha.'"  
  
Duo examined the cartridge. "Buruccha...?" He held the little Nataku head in one hand, the Buruccha in the other.  
  
Trowa nodded. "When you press this button here, the buruccha will vibrate," he explained, pointing the tiny Nataku head. "We'll be able to keep in touch no matter how far away we are."  
  
Duo brightened. "So this is like a hotline between the two of us?"  
  
"That's right. Shall we try it out?" They each pressed the button, causing both Trowa and Duo to shake violently. I don't mean just a little bit of shaking, I mean the kind of shaking that makes you think that the world is ending and the the earth will swallow you whole kind of shaking. "I-I-I-I'l-lll-l c-c-c-ome r-r-escue y-y-y-ou a-a-as s-s-oon a-a-a-as I f-f- f-eel i-i-it v-v-v-vibra-a-ate, o-okay?"  
  
"Th-th-th-thanks, Tr-o-o-owa-ku-u-u-n!"  
  
Finally, once the tremors stopped, Duo made his way into the school. 'I'm gonna be really late because of that little machine...'  
  
Suddenly several figures appeared, blocking his path to the school. Duo, being Duo, didn't bother to look at them, instead attempting to strike several semi-intimidating kung-fu poses. "So there you are, you--"  
  
Luckily, the students knew what an airhead Duo could be at times, and cut him off. "Duo-chan, don't come inside!" Duo stopped and actually *looked* at the students who had blocked his path: it was the girls from his class.  
  
Meiran looked imploringly at Duo, very obviously concerned for him. "Duo-chan, you'd better just skip school today. They boys are planning to jump you because of what you said on Child's Toy last night."  
  
Duo proudly reassured them. "They're so simple! Don't worry, I'm not going to just stand there and let myself get beaten! I'm ready for them." He paused to take off his backpack and rummage around inside. "Not only that, but in case of an emergency, I can call Trowa-kun with this." He dug around some more. "Where is that Buru-buru thing..." He kept on digging. "Buru-buru?" No sign of it. "Buru-buru?" It wasn't in his backpack.  
  
Suddenly, he remembered. As soon as he'd stopped shaking, he had handed the Buruccha back, trying to stiffle his laughter. "Arigato, Trowa- kun! That was fun!"  
  
Duo's expression went sour. 'I... gave it back to him!? Why didn't he notice!?!'  
  
Footsteps behind him drew him out of his flashback. Meiran decided to state the obvious and say "They're here!"  
  
Mueller and four other boys stood before them, doing their best to look intimidating. It was obvious that none of them were very happy. "Who do you think you are, Maxwell?" spat one of the boys.  
  
"You talked a little too much last night about Heero for your own good. Just because you're on TV doesn't mean we'll let you do whatever you want."  
  
Duo smirked at them confidently. "Oh, Odoriki-Momonoki-Sanshonoki! What's wrong with being both cute AND bossy?"  
  
The boys, who had no clue what that meant, pretended they did, and got even angrier. "Why you...!"  
  
Duo turned away from the boys, which only pissed them off more, and faced the girls who stood behind him. "All of you, run away."  
  
"But Duo-chan--" Meiran began.  
  
Duo cut her off. "I don't want any of you getting involved. Hurry!"  
  
"I'll get Milliardo-sensei!" Meiran and the other girls ran towards the school, leaving Duo to face the five boys on his own.  
  
"Why don't you guys take a look in the mirror," Duo scoffed at them, "and see what it looks like to have NO brains at all! Even monkeys look smarter than you guys!"  
  
Mueller stepped forward, furious. "What was that?"  
  
Duo was unimpressed. "You guys are 'tora no inoshi shi kita kitsune'!"  
  
"What!?" shouted one of the boys.  
  
"I don't know what that means, but I sure don't like it!" Alex (another of the boy lackies) muttered.  
  
Nataku: *pops up from nowhere* She meant to say 'tora no inokaru' which means "pawns being controlled."  
  
The boys attacked, coming from every side, and Duo tried to defend himself.  
  
"Why you!" "Get her!" "Beat her up!"  
  
Nataku: *panicking* Somebody get an adult!  
  
  
  
Duo's mind grasped the phrase 'beat her up' and began to toy with it. Her face would be freakishly swollen from punches! He gasped. "I can't be on TV any more!"  
  
On the set of Child's Toy, G and several of the other cast members look at Duo's usual seat, and the sign on top, which reads: 'I'm absent today.' A random cast member murmurs "I heard she's been beat up."  
  
A few days later on the set, Duo returns, covered nearly from head to toe in white bandages, as well as a pair of dark sunglasses. The only reason he's recognizable at all is the freakishly deformed head (which is wrapped in bandages) and the long chestnut braid.  
  
'The dramatic image change and comeback of Duo Maxwell causes the program to become even more popular than it was before! Duo becomes an instant mega-star!'  
  
On a secluded beach at sunset, two sillhouettes stand near the water, watching the sun sink below the horizon. 'Because of all the fuss, Duo runs away to Hawaii with Trowa-kun! The Hawaiian sunset is so romantic!'  
  
"Duo-chan, I love you." says Trowa.  
  
"Oh, Trowa-kun!"  
  
Suddenly, the paparazzi appears, snapping photos like crazy. 'But they were caught by the press!'  
  
A newspaper reads "Mysterious new creature discovered in Hawaii"  
  
'Hey! Wrong Article!'  
  
Duo stands among thousands of adoring fans. 'The first beat-up talent, Duo Maxwell's name becomes known everywhere!'  
  
  
  
"I'm beat up!!!" Duo shouted. Then, noticing the silence, he opened his eyes, and saw himself surrounded by Mueller and the other four boys. 'Oh, crap. I forgot.'  
  
"Now I'm REALLY gonna beat the crap out of you!" Mueller lunged forward. However, just before his fist connected, a soft voice stopped him. "What are you doing?"  
  
Muller froze and looked up. "Yuy-san."  
  
Duo glared at Heero. 'Great. Here comes the head monkey."  
  
"Didn't you see her humiliate you on TV last night?!"  
  
Heero walked past them, barely sparing any of the boys a glance. "Leave her alone." Another boy trailed along behind Heero, looking at Duo with concern, but not stopping.  
  
"What? But--" Mueller started, obviously confused at Heero's lack of a desire for revenge.  
  
"Just leave her alone." Heero continued towards the school, not bothering to see if they were listening to him. They were, of course. Mueller and the other boys turned and followed Heero into the school.  
  
Duo followed Heero with his eyes. 'What is he thinking...?'  
  
From a distance, he could hear the boys talking. "Yuy-san, what's in the bag?"  
  
"Toys." came the nonchalant reply.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Milliardo ran bravely down the hallway, shouting at the top of his lungs, "I'm coming, Maxwell!" Meiran and the girls ran behind him, trying to keep up.  
  
Coming down the hallway the opposite direction was Duo. Duo was singing to himself. He was also staring at the ceiling. Also, he was swinging his backpack in random directions. Why was he doing this? Don't ask me. I haven't a clue.  
  
Milliardo came to a screeching halt in front on Duo. Duo looked up at Milliardo questioningly. "Duo-chan! Are you alright?!"  
  
Meiran cut in. "We would have been here sooner, but Milliardo-sensei was in  
  
the bathroom."  
  
"Sorry about that," Milliardo leaned down to look at Duo. "Anyway, are you alright, Duo-chan?"  
  
"I'm fine. Let's go in." Duo smirked and walked past them, opening the door to his class. The smirk disappeared.  
  
Noin squealed pitifully as she was attacked from all sides by boys squirting her with colored ink. "Stop it! Please stop! No!"  
  
Mueller laughed. "This is so much fun... We really owe Yuy-san for giving us these water-guns. It was a stroke of genius to fill them with ink instead of water."  
  
Heero smirked from his corner of the room. Though he held another water-gun, he had yet to use it.  
  
Mueller aimed his gun at Noin again, and the other boys imitated him. Milliardo, having seen enough, ran in and stood in front of Noin, only to be squirted with ink as well. "Stop it, you little brats! I've had enough of this! I'm gonna--"  
  
"You're going to do what?" Heero's soft voice silenced him as efficiently as a blow to the head. The room went silent, and everyone looked at Heero Yuy, who stood coolly and gazed at the teachers. "You're going to do what, sensei?" He lifted two pieces of paper and waved them carefully in front of Noin and Milliardo. "I can spread this, you know. I know the truth about you two. Everyone can know the truth." He aimed his gun at Milliardo's face.  
  
A jet of blue ink shot across the room and splattered.... in Heero's eye. Heero was shocked. The teachers were shocked. The girls were shocked. The boys were shocked.  
  
Duo glared at Heero, a squirt-gun in hand. "Yuy. Cut it out."  
  
After several long seconds, Heero wiped his eye with his sleeve, then turned to face Duo. He was not happy.  
  
~~~ TBC ~~~  
  
Jupiter Strahan 


	3. A - Our Classroom is Primate Paradise!

Title: Kodomo no Gundam Author: Jupiter Strahan Pairings: eventual 1+2 Rating: PG Warnings: cross-dressing, fluff, humor, silliness, stupid-ness, bad puns, randomly appearing side-commenting Natakus, sugar overdosage, shonen ai, other such nonsense.  
  
Archived at:  
  
http://www.wuffie.net http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134169  
  
  
  
Kodomo no Gundam! by Jupiter Strahan Part 2A: Our Classroom is Primate Paradise!  
  
'Heero Yuy. He's the brainless bozo who's ruining my class. What a devil! The class is in total chaos because of him! He makes me so pissed... I just can't stand it anymore! Nobody would do anything about it, so I guess that leaves me.'  
  
~~~  
  
Every eye in the class was on Duo, who still wielded an ink-filled water gun. Heero looked at him calmly, no sign of anger or revenge on his face. Only ink. A great big splotch of bright blue ink.  
  
"Quit it now, Yuy." Duo didn't sound angry either, just fed-up.  
  
Heero rubbed his eye with his sleeve and said nothing.  
  
Finally, Meiran, who was still rather shocked at Duo's actions, joined Duo, though her fear of Heero was still plainly seen on her face. "She's right! Knock it off, Yuy-kun!"  
  
Meiran's exclaimation encouraged the other girls speak as well. "We can't learn anything like this!" "The first couple times it was funny, but you guys are doing this every day!" "Yuy's a real idiot, you know!"  
  
"He's more of a devil-child than an idiot!" shouted a girl named Mami.  
  
Heero's eyebrow twiched, but his face betrayed no emotion.  
  
The black-haired boy in glasses, who had been the only one not causing chaos, looked at Heero with trepidation. "Heero-kun..."  
  
Mami continued to yell. "Yuy, go back to the hell you came from, demon child!"  
  
Muller got in her face. "God, you talk too much! You--"  
  
Meiran cut him off. "At least we're not one of Yuy's lackeys!  
  
Soon the entire class was bickering, with the exception of Heero, the black-haired boy, and Duo. Heero turned from the raging mass of students, and headed for the door. Duo stopped him. "Wait! Where are YOU going?"  
  
For a moment, Heero ignored her. "Hey." He said it so quietly, it could barely be heard, but heard it was, and Mueller and two other boys quickly attacked Duo, effectively getting him out of Heero's way.  
  
Duo struggled. "Hey! What are you doing?! Let me go!" Heero headed for the door. "If Yuy told you to jump off a cliff, you would, wouldn't you?!" he accused, "You're like dogs following their master!"  
  
Mueller kept Duo pinned. "Yuy-san is going to wash his face. You'd better not bother him."  
  
"Hold it, Yuy!" Duo shouted, breaking free of the boys trying to hold him back. Heero stopped. "Yeah, you, King of the Monkeys. Just you wait, you can't ignore me! You're a waste, a complete WASTE! I'll beat you into a rice cake and eat you up!" Duo's insult was fantastic. If someone had insulted me like that, I would have been heartbroken. There is no possible comeback that can quite match THAT insult. Wow. I'm certainly impressed.  
  
Nataku: *flies in with package of rice cakes* A rice cake like this!  
  
Heero turned around and simply looked at him. The room was once again silent. Duo felt stupid. 'No effect...?'  
  
Heero turned and walked out the door. As the door closed, the girls swarmed around Duo.  
  
"Duo-chan, you did it! This is the first time we've emerged victorious!"  
  
"I didn't do anything before because it was too much trouble, but..." Duo shrugged.  
  
Mami grinned. "We were expecting you do do something, Duo-chan!"  
  
Though all the other girls were celebrating, Meiran still looked concerned. "Don't you think this means they'll just pick on Duo-chan more from now on?"  
  
Duo smirked and struck a pose, making a victory sign. "Hah! No problem!" The girls cheered.  
  
'It'll be annoying, but what the heck? I'm not going to be beaten by the likes of him!' You could practically see the fire burning in Duo's eyes.  
  
Nataku: *pops in* Fi-ya!!!! *breathes fire*  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
In the boys' bathroom, Heero washed his face in the sink, trying to clean the blue ink out of his eye. A few of the boys stood guard, waiting for him to finish. The black-haired boy walked up to Heero. "Oh, thank God, Heero-kun. I thought you were going to beat her up!"  
  
Mueller butted in. "Yuy-san, let's beat the crap out of her!"  
  
"Wait, Muller-kun... don't you think that's a little barbaric?" interjected the black-haired boy.  
  
"She thinks she's so great because she's on TV..." Mueller began.  
  
"Her mom got an Aoki award, and they're rich and live in a huge house." One of the five boys using a urinal finished.  
  
"Her mom is so wierd..." said another.  
  
"Come on, Yuy-san!" Mueller prodded.  
  
Heero said nothing. Reaching out, he turned off the faucet, and looked into the mirror. "We'll go it after school."  
  
The black-haired boy gasped.  
  
The boys celebrated.  
  
Nataku: Hey, wash your hands!  
  
The black haired boy shook his head. "Don't do it." Of course, he was ignored and was pushed out of the bathroom by the flood of boys suddenly leaving.  
  
Nataku: *flying after them angrily* Just wash them!!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Let's go!" Duo shouted, raising a croquet mallet into the air. How menacing!  
  
"Be careful, Duo-chan." said one of the girls.  
  
"Don't worry! Since I have a Child's Toy broadcast today, Trowa-kun is picking me up in his car, so if I can just get to the gate, they can't touch me!" He spun the mallet in his fingers. "I've mastered tons of techniques from Komawari!"  
  
Meiran chose that particular moment in the entire time-space continuum to run into the room, shouting. "Duo-chan, we're in trouble! Mami- chan's been abducted by the boys!"  
  
Duo's expression turned dark. "What?! Why her?!"  
  
"Remember what she said? 'Go back to the hell you came from, demon child!' I think she went too far..."  
  
"But I said things worse than that..." Duo mused.  
  
From out of nowhere, the black-haired boy appeared. "That's only because Heero-kun respects you as an opponent, Duo-chan."  
  
Duo blinked. "What?"  
  
"It's like the relationship between a cobra and a mongoose..."  
  
Nataku: *pops in with a picture of a cobra and a mongoose facing off, Duo's head on the mongoose, Heero's on the cobra* Like this!  
  
Duo turned to Meiran again. "Where is Mami-chan?"  
  
"In the yard behind the school." As the words left Meiran's mouth, Duo shot out the door.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Duo ran down the hallway, followed by the girls and the black-haired boy.  
  
"Good luck, Duo-chan," he said, running beside him. "You're the only one who can stop Heero-kun."  
  
Duo glanced at him from the corner of his eye. "Which side are you on, Wufei-kun? You were with Yuy the whole time!"  
  
Wufei looked away. "I just wanted him to change his ways because I care about him!"  
  
Duo blanched. "What?!" he whipped out a huge red mallet and thwacked him with it, shooting Wufei off into the distance (which was actually just a little ways down the hall). "Get lost, you fag!" How insulting is THAT!?  
  
Wufei fell to his knees. "That's not what I meant! I didn't say I was in love with him! I'm in love with you, Duo-chan!" Oh, if only you knew, dearest Waffle. If you're in love with Duo, you're still a fag!  
  
"Sounds like a love confession to me..." mused one of the girls.  
  
Duo shrugged. "Sorry, Wufei-kun, but I already have a pimp named Trowa-kun."  
  
"You mean that was TRUE!?" another girl cried incredulously.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."  
  
Meiran twiched. "Guys!!! What about MAMI-CHAN!?"  
  
Duo blanched. 'I almost forgot...'  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Mami floated in the fountain pond, desperately trying to keep her head above water, tears running down her face, eyes clamped shut. "Help---" He cry cut off as Mueller used a broomstick to push her head underwater.  
  
"Eww, she's drinking the fountain water!" He mocked.  
  
Heero leaned against a nearby tree, looking appraisingly at the girl nearly submerged in the water. "You were saying something very interesting... something about me being a devil child...so go on. What more is there?"  
  
Mami looked at him with wide, terrified eyes, unable to speak.  
  
Muller pushed her under with the broomstick again. "Yuy-san asked you a question! Answer him!"  
  
She cried out, again. Duo rushed towards them, the other girls not far behind. "Move it, you idiot!"he ripped the brookstick from Mueller, pushing him away, and reached down to pull Mami from the water. "He glared accusingly at Heero. "What were you doing?! Mami-chan, are you all right?"  
  
The half-drowned, water-logged girl moaned and tried to catch her breath. "Duo-chan...!"  
  
"What the hell were you doing?!" Meiran and the other girls were more than just a little bit pissed about the situation.  
  
Duo knelt by Mami, who was curled up in the dirt by the fountain, coughing up water. A lot of water. He saw red as he realized just how close too drowning Mami had been. His mind raged, but he allowed the other girls to help Mami up and take her to the school's clinic.  
  
Slowly, Duo stood, and turned to face Heero, who was still leaning impassively against the tree. "Yuy..." he ground out.  
  
Heero looked at him. "What? Are you okay? You're shaking."  
  
Duo realized that Heero was right. He was shaking. "It's because I'm so angry... I've never shaken out of anger before..." he said, somewhat surprised at the situation.  
  
"Oh, so it's your first time?" Heero smirked slightly, "Congratulations."  
  
He didn't even see Duo's fist coming before it connected with his cheek, leaving a bright red mark that would definitely bruise later. "And that's the first time I've ever hit somebody." Duo finished.  
  
Heero simply looked at her, seemingly emotionless. After a moment, he replied, clenching his hand into a fist. "And that's the first time a girl has hit me."  
  
"Heero-kun!" warned Wufei, who had watched the entire exchange.  
  
As though a switch had been flipped, Duo's fury melted away, and was replaced Duo's usual overly-confident attitude. He laughed in Heero's face. "Hit me, why don't ya? I'd like to see you keep up with the steps I learned at Komawari!"  
  
The author blinked. The way Duo talked reminded her of dancing. Was fighting the same as dancing? I suppose it depends on who you ask. Anyway, the author got tired of thinking, and returned to writing nonsensical fanfic babble.  
  
Duo spun around, demonstrating a few of the 'steps.' "Don't try running away, either, because I'm faster than you are!" He continued demonstrating right up until he tripped into *something* which caused a few dozen large sacks of lime powder to fall on his head. Just in case anyone is wondering, lime powder is the while stuff they use to chalk sports fields.  
  
Everyone stared at the pile under which Duo was buried. After about two seconds, Duo shot up from them, fuming. "Why you...!" He grabbed Heero by the collar of his shirt. "Now it's my turn!"  
  
Heero's expression still didn't change. "I didn't do anything."  
  
Duo turned and headed for the yard-keeper's storage shed, dragging Heero along behind him. "This calls for counseling. Come on!" He slid the door open, pulled Heero in with him, then slammed the door shut again.  
  
Once inside, he let go of Heero, vaulting up to sit on a stack of gymnastic mats. Heero turned to look out of one of the small windows.  
  
"Okay, we're alone now," Duo began, suddenly calm again. "Look, we're not children anymore, so why don't we split our butts?"  
  
"You mean split our guts. Butts are already split."  
  
Nataku: "Spliting one's guts" is a phrase meaning for one to explain everything!  
  
"Don't get smart with me, Yuy!" Duo paused for a moment. "You get the best grades in the class next to Wufei. You're not stupid, so why do you do such stupid things?"  
  
Heero closed his eyes. "I guess I really AM that stupid."  
  
Duo stood up, his feathers more than a little ruffled. "I want a real answer! What's wrong with you?!" he shouted angrily.  
  
Heero's eyes shot towards Duo for a split second, then they went wide, staring at the braided student. In a flash, shot towards him wrapping a single, capable hand around Duo's neck, and slammed him up against the wall. For the first time, Heero let what he was feeling show through. His brow knotted. "Everything's wrong! Including you!  
  
Duo winced as the back of his skull cracked against the metal wall. 'God, he's strong...'  
  
Now stop getting in my way," Heero continued, voice dangerously low, " or I'll have to do something worse." Finally, he released his grip on Duo's throat, and strode to the door, and flung it open, his face once again blank. The other students looked at him and Duo with concern.  
  
Duo leaned against a crate, rubbing his abused throat and coughing. "Duo-chan, are you all right?" Meiran asked from the doorway.  
  
Once the coughing subsided, he took a step towards the exit, glaring challengingly at Heero's back. "Yuy!" Heero turned. "You don't scare me. You're gonna regret this day. The string of the bag of Nin-Nin has been broken!"  
  
Nataku: *flies in* You mean the back of 'Kan-Nin,' which means 'patience.' What the heck is a Nin-Nin?  
  
Heero studied Duo for a moment, then continued on his way. Duo flared. "I'm gonna stop that kid...!"  
  
Nataku: *two Nataku fly in and breathe fire at Duo* Fi-yaaah!!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Katherine was giddy with stupid joy as she styled Duo's hair for Child's Toy. "Duo-chan! I heard you were going to be starring in a made-for- TV movie! That's great! Good luck!"  
  
"Thanks." Duo stood and studied himself in the mirror. The karate gi was a bit looser than it was supposed to be, but for the sake of his carrier, he had to pretend that there was at least a little bit of chest behind the cotton. He was wearing a tanktop underneath, just in case the gi pulled loose during taping. "I have more important things on my mind right now."  
  
'How I can get him back is the question... What can I do to stop him?' He could practically hear Heero in his mind, threatening "Stop getting in my way or else!" He recalled the force of Heero's grip on his throat. 'He's got incredible strength...'  
  
"... and I'm just a GIRL!!!" he exploded, slamming G (who was also in a karate gi) down onto the floor.  
  
"Itai!"  
  
G's cry drew laughter from the cameramen, who were filming. The rest of the cast applauded. Duo, however, was still lost in thought. 'There's no way I could overpower him.'  
  
"Duo-chan, that hurt! I think you're strong enough already..." G complained, sitting up. "Anyway, you're so energetic today, you won today's "Child's Toy P.E." prize." After a second of contemplation, he turned to the camera. "Wait, did I tell you about the prize?"  
  
Rei: *with a photo of Duo in the karate gi, a trophy in hand* Duo-chan: This week!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
At the Maxwell house, where no coffee was brewing, Duo was thinking aloud. "How can I win Sri Lanka?" He played a few notes on his Nataku-head- shaped keyboard. "How can I win Shrimp Tempura?"  
  
The author decided to pause in her writing again, and looked at what she'd just make Duo say. Wow, Duo really comes across as an idiot, doesn't he? Well, what's done is done! The author returned to typing.  
  
Zechs sat in an easychair, pressing buttons in what appeared to be a little red book with buttons inside. "I see," he said to Trowa, who was sitting across from him. "so that's how she won this prize... a personality tester calculator..."  
  
Trowa looked at the spaced-out Duo across the room. "She's been like this the whole way home. I'm getting worried. There hasn't been a problem yet..."  
  
Zechs continued to play with the little red calculator, ignoring Trowa entirely. "Let's see... Favorite Drink? Coffee. Favorite words... and then I press this button..."  
  
Trowa finally noticed that Zechs had pain no attention to him whatsoever, and quieted. Zechs continued to play with the little machine. "And here are the results. Oh my... it says I'm like an angel! 'A nice person like you will be liked by everyone--"  
  
Trowa cut her off. "That's a lie! Let me see it!" Of course, Zechs decided that it wasn't worth the effort to even listen to what Trowa was saying, and thus didn't hear a word.  
  
"Duo, let me give you some advice." Duo turned, only to get a faceful of Zechs-Mama hiding his face with a paper fan, about two inches away. His eye twiched. "... In order to win a battle, it's crucial to attack your enemy's weak spot."  
  
"The weak spot," Duo thought on it for a moment. "That's a good idea!"  
  
Trowa frowned in his disapproving, yet not at all intimidating, I'm- wearing-sunglasses-indoors kind of way. "Sensei, don't you think that's unfair?"  
  
Zechs burst into laughter, shaking her fan vigorously. The short gusts of wind waved the dozens of tiny flags sticking out of the ocean liner model which he wore on his head. "People MUST be unfair sometimes in order to survive!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Attack the weak spot! Be sneaky and unfair!" Duo rapped into his NoriNori machine, a look of mischief on his face.  
  
"Attack the weak spot! Be sneaky and unfair!" repeated NoriNori.  
  
"Now the thing to do is find Heero Yuy's weak spot! Get him good, Duo-chan! Kick his butt, Duo-chan! Sure it's unfair, but what else can I do? Justice is rare, and these chances are few! Yeah!"  
  
~~~ TBC ~~~  
  
Jupiter Strahan 


	4. B - Our Classroom is Primate Paradise!

Title: Kodomo no Gundam!  
  
Author: Jupiter Strahan  
  
Pairings: eventual 1+2  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Warnings: cross-dressing, fluff, humor, silliness, stupid-ness, bad puns, randomly appearing side-commenting Natakus, sugar overdosage, shonen ai, other such nonsense.  
  
Archived at:  
  
http://www.wuffie.net  
  
http://raygunworks.net/fanfic.html  
  
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=134169  
  
  
  
Kodomo no Gundam! by Jupiter Strahan  
  
Part 2B: Our Classroom is Primate Paradise!  
  
The crowded halls parted swiftly, the young ladies clutching their books a bit tighter than usual, the guys either joining the parade of boys making their way through the hallway, clearing the way for their ringleader, Heero Yuy.  
  
Mueller and a few others walked ahead of him, pushing to the side anyone who wasn't quick enough to be out of their path. "Hey, move it!" "Yuy's coming through!" "Make way!" Heero let them do as they wished, eyes expressionless, hands tucked neatly into the pockets of his jeans. As they approached their classroom, Alex pulled the door open, and they all waited, allowing Heero to enter first.  
  
Duo had been waiting for him. As Heero walked in, Duo chucked a snake at him (a rubber snake! Duo's not the class troublemaker! He'd never bring a live snake to school!) Now Duo may not act too bright sometimes, but he happened to have pretty good aim. The snake smacked Heero full in the face, but luckily for him, his eyes were protected; his thick, bushy bangs acted as a spring, and the snake bounced off, and fell on the floor. He didn't spare Duo or it a glance, instead walking just as calmly as before to his desk.  
  
Duo reached into his bag, muttering to himself as he grabbed something else. "So snakes aren't his weakness..." He pulled out another item and flung it at Heero, "but what about frogs," a plastic frog flew past Heero's head, "...or toads," a plastic toad imitated the frog, "...or turtles," same as before, except this time it was a turtle, "...or bugs," giant plastic bugs took flight, "...or this, or that, or this thing, or---" other interesting items began to litter the classroom. None of them hit Heero, though, becuase after the snake, Duo was no longer really looking where he was throwing things.  
  
Luckily, not all of Duo's efforts were in vain. Several of the lovely flying objects made contact with the faces of Heero's lackeys.  
  
Heero found his desk (the desks had been replaced to their correct positions the day before), and sat down. However, Duo wasn't discouraged in the least. "Yuy, I have more! He whipped out an arrow of horrifying items. "Onion! Green Onion! Pepper! Carrots! Celery!"  
  
The author stopped and imagined the previous scene in her mind. The incredible stupidity of it all was so glaringly obvious that she twitched a few times and fell on the floor. After a few hours, she recovered, and decided that what was written was written, and that she might as well finish the scene.  
  
Lightning struck (even though it was a bright, sunshine-y day), outlining Duo's figure, displaying the most horrifying thing yet: Duo in a hockey mask, wielding a bright red mallet! (Duo knows better than to bring a chainsaw to school - a mallet would have to work).  
  
Since this had no effect, Duo tried something else: Lightning struck again, this time revealing Duo with fangs and a long, black cape. Once again, no effect.  
  
Lightning struck a third time (I love all this strategically placed lightning!) and this time, Duo tried another approach: the biology class's life-sized model of human anatomy and the muscle groups! The horror!  
  
Heero's eyes never even veered in Duo's general direction.  
  
Duo was still unfazed. "Okay, now I'm going to show you REAL terror!" He hauled a stereo onto Heero's desk and hit the play button. From the stereo could be heard some kind of really annoying music. Or maybe it was somebody screaming? The author doesn't know, because she'd plugged her ears in preparation of what was to come.  
  
Duo dashed up to the chalkboard at the front of the class and glanced menacingly at Heero. "How about this!" He pressed his nails to the board and clawed, making the board shreik and the students to wince and cover their ears.  
  
"No! Quit it! ...Please!!" Mueller cried in agony as he fell to the floor, at the mercy of Duo's nails. Unfortunately, Du owas also vulnerable to his own attack. He fell to the ground, twitching as the wretched sound echoed in his ears.  
  
Heero sat, eyes unblinking, features unchanged, completely unaffectly by anything Duo attempted.  
  
The author laughed at Duo.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"What was that!?" Duo stalked the hallway, fuming at his failure. "Just because he's *inhuman* doesn't mean he can't have a weak spot..." He was lost in thought, then caught sight of Wufei coming towards him.  
  
"Oh, Wufei-kun! That's it!" Duo practically shot towards Wufei, which kinda scared the boy a bit. Honestly, if Duo was coming towards you *that* fast, with *that* expression, who wouldn't be scared? "Wufei-kun, you know Yuy's weakness, don't you?"  
  
Wufei blinked at the decidedly evil look on Duo's face. "Um, well..." he trailed off.  
  
"Come on, what is it?" Duo encouraged, "You want to fix his problem because you like him, right? Come on, you can tell me."  
  
Wufei laughed nervously. For quite a while. Then he backed away, still keeping with the nervous laughter. Then he ran (backwards), and laughed. Then he tripped and fell on his ass. Then he ran.  
  
Duo watched him. 'He ran away?' "Hey! How am I supposed to get even with Yuy?!" he shouted. Now, Duo was not just angry - he was pissed. I mean, imagine him with fire in his eyes, and flames all around him - you'll get the picture. The other students in the hall looked at him funny.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Noin stood at the front of the classroom, surveying the scene before her with fear. The girls sat in their desks, but couldn't learn anything with the boys running around, wreaking havoc.  
  
Meiran leaned back in her seat to talk to Duo. "We should check up on Mami-chan. She's still trying to recover from the shock."  
  
Duo turned to glare at Heero, who was sitting on a table in the back of the room. 'What is he doing?' After a moment's observation, it was quite obvious as to what he was doing: listening to his headphones, reading a book. 'I'll just have to stay patient until I find his weak spot...'  
  
"Stop this!" Noin cried, only to be answered by being hit with flying debris. She cringed and let out a pitiful whine.  
  
"Why don't you go get Milliardo-sensei?" Mueller teased. "Go on and cry for help!"  
  
Noin ran from the room, squealing, trying to keep from sobbing openly. "Milliardo!!" Mueller and the rest of Heero's lackeys burst into laughter.  
  
This was the last straw for Duo. He stood, slamming his hands on the desk, and turned on them. "God! Quit it already, you idiots!"  
  
Of course, none of the boys were not intimidated. "Let's get her!" cried Muller. The boys attacked.  
  
Duo laughed and jumped on his chair. (If he'd stood on the desk, they would have been able to see up his skirt.) "Come and get me!"  
  
Unfortunately for Duo, they did. In a flash of scissors, they had shredded his skirt all the way up to the waist. A few of the girls screamed at them, calling them perverts and such, but did nothing to stop them.  
  
Duo smirked at them,"Excellent work, boys. Too bad I'm wearing my gym shorts, though." standing up and pulling off the remnants of the skirt. "I didn't realize that you would be so interested." he taunted. He pushed through the boys over to where Heero sat and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. "Yuy, Did you tell them to do that to me?!"  
  
Heero looked at Duo (gasp! A reaction!), but didn't bother to move. "No. I didn't." He looked away again, completely unthreatened by Duo. "I told them to prevent you from getting in my way."  
  
"Why you...! Fight like a man, you wimp!" he snarled. Before he had a chance to do anything, though, Heero's lackeys grabbed him from behind and hauled him away from Heero.  
  
Wufei looked helpless. "Stop it,everyone!" He turned to Heero. "Please, stop them!"  
  
In the background could be heard Duo's shouts. "Get off of me! HEY! Let me go!!!"  
  
Wufei's expression darkened. Heero was going to allow them to do whatever they wanted. He moaned. "No! A girl is being raped and I can't do anything about it!"  
  
While Wufei was saying this, however, one of the boys attacking Duo flew across the room headfirst. The another, and another, and then a few more. Duo emerged, panting and glaring at the boys he'd just flung across the room. "I'm NOT being raped!"  
  
Of course, the boys wouldn't be brought down so easily, and they all tackled him at once, each holding a limb to keep Duo from escaping. Duo was caught.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Duo landed on the concrete with a heavy thud. His ass would be hurtin' tomorrow. He sat up and glared at them.  
  
Mueller sneered at her from the doorway. "We warned you to stay out of Yuy-san's way." With that, he retreated, slamming the door behind him.  
  
Duo ran to the door, but it was too late, the lock had been secured. Duo was trapped on the roof of the school. He pounded the metal doors furiously with his fists. "OPEN it!"  
  
Inside, the boys snickered evilly at their success at revenge on Duo and his meddling ways. Heero leaned against the stair rail, devoid of expression.  
  
Wufei and Meiran stood at the bottom of the stairs, unable to do anything.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Time passed, and soon the chimes marking the end of school began to ring. Duo renewed his efforts, pounding on the door. He had to get out of there. "Hey, now let me in! I have a job! I can't be late!"  
  
"Now I have even more reason not to let you out!" Mueller shouted through the door.  
  
Meanwhile, outside the school gates, Trowa sat in the car, leaving heavily against the wheel. He ckecked the large clock that decorated the front of the school, then sighed. "Duo-chan's never been this late; maybe she's on clean up duty?" he wondered to himself.  
  
Mueller laughed with his other friends. "It serves her right after all the things she did to Yuy-san." Heero watched them impassively, hands in his pockets.  
  
Meiran turned to Wufei. "This is too much. I'm going to get a teacher."  
  
Mueller overheard her, of course. "Do you want to end up like Mami- chan, too? She's still absent from the shock." he threatened lightly.  
  
Wufei wouldn't stand for any threat, however. His eyes hardened. "Heero-kun, this has gone too far! Make them stop this!" Heero didn't even bother to face Wufei, let alone respond.  
  
"Open this door! Open it or I'll curse you!" The long-haired boy in girl's clothing screamed. 'I can't believe this, I'm late for work! But there has to be some way...'  
  
Inspiration struck like a two-ton boulder. He reached into the waistband of his gym shorts and pulled out the Buruccha. 'I can't believe I forgot about this!' "Trowa-kun," he pressed the button.  
  
Trowa's car shook. A lot. I'm talking earthquake proportions, here. If fact, poor Trowa thought that was what it was, too. He screamed. Then he figured he was the only one shaking (well, him and his car), and got out. The people on the street looked at him funny.  
  
Wufei was still trying to convince Heero to have mercy on Duo when Trowa, suit and sunglasses included, came bounding up the stairs, pushing aside anyone who got in his way. He pulled the doors open, and searched the roof for his charge. He didn't have to look far, though. Duo tackled him, overjoyed at her rescuer's appearance.  
  
Mueller decided to start talking to no one in particular. "Hey, it's that pimp she's been talking about." Heero raised an eyebrow. It wasn't very noticeable, but when it comes to this guy, even something as insignificant as this is a big thing!  
  
"Duo-chan, what happened to you?" Trowa asked, taking in his more- than-slightly ruffed-up appearance.  
  
Instead of answering, however, he confronted Heero. "You may have gotten me this time, but next time you won't be so lucky. However, today I don't have time to deal with you." he turned to Trowa. "Hurry, Robin! To the TV studio!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"What do you mean, it's over?!"  
  
"Yeah, they just finished up a minute ago." came the reply from the World's Most Annoying Producer Guy. I mean, his voice warbles when he talks, and his head kinda bobs like one of those bobble-head dolls people put in their cars.  
  
Trowa interjected. "We were only ten minutes late!"  
  
"Everyone here is very popular and extremely busy." The author was severely questioning her own judgement by allowing this abomination into her fic. "They started early and ended early."  
  
'I missed it. I missed it.' Duo's face went dark.  
  
Nataku: *flies in and points at Duo's head* Poor Duo-chan is shocked!  
  
Mr. Bobblehead continued, somehow giving people the mental image of a cactus. "I guess you can't help it with school and all, but don't be late anymore. Even a kid like you should be able to tell the difference between a job and a game."  
  
'Yuy, you bastard!'  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"I've neer been late for work..." Duo muttered evilly to himself as he stared out the car window. "I'm not going to let him get away this time. No forgiveness... I'll never forgive him for this...."  
  
Trowa was kinda spooked by the darkness that seemed to eminate from Duo. He also began to talk aloud to himself. "Why is she moping around like an old woman? She's supposed to be the heroine."  
  
As they pulled up to the house/mansion, a sillowette could be seen standing outside the front gates. As the headlights flashed over it, Duo recongnized him. "Wufei-kun!"  
  
Once the car was parked, Duo shooed Trowa inside, then went back out to find the Chinese boy. "What's wrong, Wufei-kun?"  
  
He looked uncomfortable. "Duo-chan, I... I can't stand it anymore. I'll tell you what I know about Heero-kun's weakness."  
  
Duo brightened considerable. On fact, he was on the verge of giddyness. "His weak spot? What is it? What?" He inched forwarded and cupped his ear.  
  
"He's ...."Wufei whispered.  
  
"Is that so!" Duo grinned in a happy/evil/mischevious fashion. "All right!"  
  
~~~TBC~~~  
  
Jupiter Strahan 


End file.
